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January 2000
George W. Bush
Ah, so Curious George is no longer satisfied in his big white house in Texas. Now his curiosity's turned to a bigger white house one, in D.C., where he will have bigger toys and more important people to play with. I'm not really sure what to say about Bush Number 2, since he hasn't said much of anything either. "Dubbya," as he's so affectionately known, seems to be shying away from saying too much, in fear of jeopardizing his rather baffling lead over the more moderate and much-less-scary John McCain. What little he has said, though, consistently nauseates, baffles, amuses, and/or scares me, since it's almost always insulting, riddled with inconsistencies, pandering to one right-wing group or another, or generally just a product of sheltered, close-minded conservatism. When he's not sounding exactly like Reagan in 1980 (we really can cut taxes and increase defense funding without going into debt... I'll just wave my magic wand!), he sounds just like the conservative version of Slick Willie, to a much worse degree. One minute he's trouncing abortion rights and calling Roe v. Wade a "mistake," and then he says if his own daughter were to be raped, it'd be "her decision" what to do with the fetus. The next minute, confronted with past cocaine use, he clumsily avoids admitting anything, and calls whatever he did or didn't do a "youthful indiscretion" yet says anyone else who experiences such "youthful indiscretions" should rot in jail without parole along side the rapists and murderers (who do get parole, incidentally). Then he'll say something about keeping gays from attaining equal status in society, or calling Jesus Christ his biggest "political" inspiration (never mind the fact that Jesus staunchly kept his skinny ass out of politics). This kind of issue-straddling and idealistic sound-biting may be good for keeping everyone in his increasingly reactionary Constitution-raping party happy, but even he knows it will eventually backfire. The closer and closer November looms, the more issues will corner him, the more stands he'll have to take, and the more people will suddenly find themselves disillusioned. However, no matter what else he says between now and eternity, one thing's become painfully evident -- George W. Bush is not only a Schmuck, but a king among Schmucks! I just hope the American population, in all its stupidity and general Schmuckiness, doesn't add "President" to that title.