KEY: ( A ) Worth new rental price  ( B ) Worth catalog rental price   ( C ) Worth rental if free  ( D ) Worth avoiding  ( F ) Worth burning down the video store for even stocking one copy

• American Beauty ( D ) - Yeah it was popular, but I can't figure out why.  None of the characters were appealing or sympathetic, the story was pointless, the symbolism at the beginning pretty much vanished a third of the way through the film, and I was left with a very queasy feeling at the end -- not from the unnecessarily and pointlessly violent ending, but from the fact that the story was just so damned ugly.
• Analyze This ( B ) - A solidly funny movie that doesn't feel quite right.  Robert DeNiro does a good job parodying his old mafioso boss role, Billy Crystal is good in his nervous yuppie psychiatrist role, and the interactions between them is usually fun and sometimes hysterical.  Overall, though, something is missing, and I don't quite know what.  Oh yeah, motivation.
• Apt Pupil ( B ) - Creepy and disturbing in traditional Stephen King fashion, this movie based on the novel tells of a high school student who becomes fascinated with the Holocaust, and soon discovers an old Nazi officer living in secrecy in his home town.  The twisted mental games they play on each other and other characters are quite intense, weaving through overtones of torture, homosexuality, and death, culminating in a bizarre climax that justifies the title of the film.  Oh yeah, and you get to see Brad Renfro stark raving nekkid.
• Arlington Road ( D ) - This film starts out good and remains suspenseful and interesting through most of the story, until they decide to throw in a totally unbelievable and irritating plot twist which shoots to hell an otherwise potentially good movie.  Michael Faraday (played by Jeff Bridges), the conspiracy-theory buff slash political science college professor slash widower of an FBI agent, discovers that the Ward-and-June-Cleaver couple across the street (played by Tim Robbins and Joan Cusack) -- of whom he's been suspicious for a while -- really are crazy anti-government terrorists who have been framing others for blowing up Federal buildings and who have no motivation for having a large and vast organization of sophisticated terrorists who like to slaughter Government employees by the hundreds, outside some totally vague reference to the Kent State massacre which they don't even bother to spend any time developing.  And of course, through a totally coincidental turn of events that the terrorists somehow set up or predicted, Faraday rents a car, tries to chase down his kidnapped son, somehow gets the bomb put in his trunk, and follows the wrong van to the J. Edgar Hoover building, delivering the bomb he was ironically trying to stop, and of course dies in the explosion and is ultimately blamed as "a desperate man acting alone seeking revenge for his wife's death" by the FBI, who apparently has no idea how to follow up on any of the numerous loose threads left behind that point quite directly to the real bombers, who get off scot-free.  Sorry to blow the plot for you, but you didn't want to see it anyway.
• Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me ( A ) - The original Austin Powers is one of my all-time favorite comedies, and the sequel, amazingly enough, lives up to the original.  Though they didn't have novelty on their side anymore, they made up for it with added humour and playing up on some of the running gags of the first movie.  Mike Myers as "Fat Bastard," the incredibly fat and ill-mannered Scotsman, is a riot.  And the new 1/8th scale Dr. Evil clone, Mini Me, is a novelty character that actually doesn't get tiresome.  The biggest surprise of all in this movie hands-down is that it's as good as everyone hoped it would be but knew it wouldn't be.
• But I'm a Cheerleader ( C ) - A very amusing but not very well executed story about Megan, a peppy blonde cheerleader (played by Natasha Lyonne) whose family and friends are convinced that she's a lesbian.  So they ship her off against her will to a "de-gaying" camp, run by Mary, a fascist, painted-up old lady with a mean streak a mile wide (played by Cathy Moriarty), and her assistant, a "former homosexual" (played by RuPaul Charles, who is RuPaul out of drag).  Of course, Megan meets and falls in love with Graham (Clea DuVall), lesbian hijinks ensue, and everything works out in the end.  The film's biggest failing is that Natasha Lyonne seems totally incapable of any emotion besides a whiny pout, and this proves to be so irrirating that the film's basically ruined by it.
• Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon ( A ) - Regardless of what you think of kung-fu movies, this film is worth seeing.  I'd recommend it to anyone across the human spectrum.  Set sometime during the golden age of China's past, the story revolves around Lu Mu Bai (played by Chow Yun Fat) and Lu Shu Lien (Michelle Yeoh), two masters of combat who do a whole lot of ass-kicking and flying around in the air.  Honestly, this movie's worth seeing just for the fighting... it's simply amazing.  The movie's entirely in Chinese with English subtitles, which takes a little getting used to, and the plot is rather foreign to an American audience, but it's a great experience that's only heightened by the foreign flavour.
• Dancer, Texas ( B ) - A simple movie about 4 friends in a tiny Texas town who decide to leave once they graduate high school, and then have second thoughts.  The cinematography is spectacular and the mood is mellow yet still capturing.  A good film to watch if you don't want much action but still want a movie about real people with real character, and pretty countryside.
• Dracula 2000 ( D ) - Leave it to Wes Craven to take something that could have possibly been (at best) a campy, corny horror movie and turn it into a totally worthless Christian recruitment film.  The film basically revolves around the fact that Van Helsing, Dracula's infamous nemesis from Bram Stoker's original novel, never managed to destroy Dracula back in the late 1800s like the book told (apparently he couldn't figure out a way to do it).  So instead, he locked him up in a steel coffin and kept him buried in a really high-security vault under an ultra-high-class antique dealer's London shop run by Van Helsing's grandson.  So that's the setup, and the action of the movie degenerates into something that looks like it was rejected from a Nightmare on Elm Street XVII brainstorm session: Dracula's coffin is stolen by foolhearty treasure thieves, Dracula escapes and bites a bunch of people, Van Helsing's grandson (who we later find out is Van Helsing himself, who's been keeping himself alive with Dracula's blood) tries to chase him down.  Of course, Van Helsing gets killed, and it's up to his estranged daughter to finish the job.  At the end we find out that Dracula is in fact Judas Iscariot who betrayed Christ so many years ago (as the fable goes), and right before he dies, he finds Christ's love again by getting hanged off a huge neon cross and burning up in the sunrise, and apparently ascends to Heaven.  See, even Dracula can go to heaven as long as he loves Christ.  I guess slaughtering thousands of innocent souls over the centuries comes to naught in the eyes of Our Lord.  Too bad Van Helsing never thought of wheeling Dracula's casket out in the sunlight and opening it some time in the 100-plus years he had to think about it... that could have spared us this ridiculous, preachy, totally worthless film.
• The General's Daughter ( A ) - An intense, well-written drama about a bizarre sex act gone wrong and the investigations into it, which get complicated many times over and eventually result in a suspenseful, boggling climax.  This film, set almost entirely in a southern Army base, touches on many sensitive issues such as women in the army, rape, Army law and punishment, and what it means to be a "soldier," and deals fairly and harshly with all of them.  All of the acting is convincing and realistic, and John Travolta proves again that, despite his ludicrous belief in Scientology, he's a good, smart actor who can handle tense roles.  And of course, James Woods is in it, which means it'd be at least watchable.
• Get Real ( A ) - The rarest of teenage sex comedies that's neither insultingly stupid nor pointless... it centers around a high school senior who falls in love with the school's track star, who he soon finds out shares his love... but it ain't that easy, of course.  Basically, boy meets boy, boy fucks boy, shit hits fan.  An inspiring story with a somewhat disappointing -- though agreeable -- ending.
• Holy Man ( F ) - Jeff Goldblum's incessant neuroses are beyond irritating, Eddie Murphy's character is shallow and contrived, the dialogue is incredibly stupid in most parts, and the storyline just sucks.  There are a few funny parts towards the middle, but they're not worth sitting through the film for.  The script is so badly written that it makes you wonder what Hollywood filmmakers won't produce.  This is one of the few movies that make me nauseous just remembering.
• The Impostors ( B ) - This film starts out very slowly, but it does pick up after about 15 or 20 minutes.  As it progresses, it gets funnier and more clever, and at the end you're convinced it's a triumph.  Many parts are incredibly funny, and just about every role is well-acted, especially leads Stanley Tucci and Oliver Platt as brothers.  Some may find the humour a little on the dry and/or on the intellectual side, which is why you've probably never heard of this movie -- John Q. Public prefers neanderthal idiots like Adam Sandler making potty jokes.
• The Iron Giant ( A ) - I've heard this movie didn't do well at the box office, which is a real shame.  Finally, Hollywood gives us an animated movie without any dippy songs or cutesy characters whose sole existence revolves around merchandising, and it doesn't do well... go fig.  The plot is well written too, and although it's a bit on the simplistic side, it's well executed and is mature enough for adults and older children: basically, young Maine resident Hogarth Hughes discovers a huge but friendly robot that fell to earth, and the late 1950's US Government is paranoid about it and wants to blow it up.  The PG rating is the first clue that this isn't another Disney sing-along, and although there's nothing in it that younger children couldn't see, there's utterances of "hell" and "damn" and a bitchin' scene where the robot wigs out, whips out a bunch of awesome fusion-looking weapons, and blows a lot of shit up, culminating ultimately in a US-launched nuclear strike against it; these are clues that Hollywood might finally be getting the idea that the rest of us (the over-10 category) appreciate animation aimed primarily at us.  Despite disappointing ticket sales, I really hope they'll do more animated movies like this.
• The Matrix ( A ) - Though Keanu Reaves has never been my favourite actor, especially in roles like the horrible Speed, this movie is actually well done.  Keanu's acting is marginally convincing, and the plot was exciting and rather original, keeping me transfixed up until the end, when it ended without much explanation of what the hell was gonna happen.  Over all, though, the film is quite good, full of plot twists and nice special effects.
• Mission to Mars ( C ) - Despite the fact that the movie relied way too much on crappy Hollywood plot tricks and shoddy character development, the idea behind the movie (not to mention the near-future technology) was really intriguing.  And it probably speaks to my frustration that in real life, NASA's about as close to sending men to Mars as the Pope is to declaring his homosexuality.
• The Mummy ( B ) - Though the plot is rather hokey and the acting isn't exactly believable, the movie is quite fun and the Egyptology side is rather interesting too.  I don't think the makers intended the film to be taken very seriously, which is the only reason it works as well as it does.  The special effects add a lot, too, and are probably the only thing that make this stylistically B-movie an A-movie.
• Orgazmo ( C ) - Despite the predictably low-brow, obscene-for-obscenity's-sake humour Trey Parker brings into everything (most notably his quickly aging show South Park), this movie is actually rather funny.  There's something inherently amusing about a Mormon missionary becoming a porn star while still retaining his ultra-orthodox beliefs.  Don't expect anytyhing from this movie and you will probably be okay with it.  The only nudity, strangely enough, is guys' butts.  Lots and lots of guys' butts.  Oh yeah, and a 400-pound dominatrix.
• Pirates of Silicon Valley ( B ) - A must-see for any computer geek, this film explores the beginnings of the careers of arch-rivals Bill Gates (Anthony Michael Hall) and Steve Jobbs (Noah Wyle), the pioneers of the modern computer era, and follows them all the way up till the 1997(?) forging of Microsoft and Apple's ironic partnership.  I'd recommend this to anyone interested in how an amazingly intelligent morally bankrupt geek (Gates) and an amazingly crafty mean-spirited acid-head (Jobbs) can become two of the richest people on earth.
• Plunkett and Macleane ( A ) - This movie will probably come and go from the theaters quicker than Universal Soldier 2.  It's a shame too, because it's quite a good movie.  The story is of two "gentlemen" highwaymen in 18th Century England who rob from the rich and give to themselves.  The costuming is fantastic, the character portrayals are fantastic, and the portrayal of the people and land is very disgusting, and quite accurate.  This movie is kind of like the dark half of Shakespeare In Love, with lots of use of the perfectly-period word "fuck."
• The Prince of Egypt ( B ) - Beautifully animated and tasteful enough to avoid making any indication whether or not it's supposed to be considered fiction (which  to 90% of the world, it would be).  The story of Moses freeing the Jews from their slavery under the Egyptians is probably the least gruesome Old Testament story they could have animated while still hoping for a "G" rating, so don't expect a sequel.
• Princess Mononoke ( B ) - Wow, an anime that isn't exactly like every single other anime on earth.  Amazing!  I've seen probably 2/3rds of the anime readily available in America and have drawn the conclusion that Japan must have very forgiving copyright laws.  This movie, although admittedly not worlds different than any other anime, was at least very well done, beautifully animated, and enjoyable all around.  Except for the insanely stupid decision to cast Billy Bob Thornton in a voice-over role for a Japanese monk.
• The Sixth Sense ( B ) - The previews for this movie gave the unfortunate impression that it would be cheesy at best.  In reality, though, it was everything a good suspense film should be: original, creepy, enthralling, and packing quite an unexpected ending.  Bruce Willis does a great job as a compassionate, intense child psychologist, but the truly amazing performance comes from the boy star of the film.  While it's not the most fulfilling movie of the year, it's still quite a kick in the nuts.
• South Park: Bigger Longer and Uncut ( A ) - I was amazed that this movie was as good as it was... I was expecting a 1½ hour episode and got a real, full movie.  Surprisingly, it's a musical with lots of catchy songs, which sound like they could be in a Broadway show (if it weren't for all the dirty words and obscene gestures)... in fact, "Blame Canada" actually got nominated for an Emmy (!).  If you don't like South Park, you won't like this movie, but the rest of us will love it!  Its biggest failing is the constant, repetitive cursing, which tends to get old after a while.  The best part is seeing all the parents walking out with their kids 5 minutes after the movie starts... Hello, it IS rated "R" (and almost got an "NC-17", for good reason!).
• Star Wars: Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace ( B ) - Yes, I saw this on May 19th at 12:01 am.  I wasn't disappointed.  Though the plot is beyond corny and the acting is shameful at best, the action and the special effects are so stunning that it's reason enough to see the film several times.  As for the feel of the movie, it's definitely Star Wars (though more Jedi than New Hope), and the fight scenes with Darth Maul are, of course, incredibly cool.  The film's biggest failing is that the actors look totally disinterested in what's going on, and the action is totally rushed, as they stuff as much foundation-laying elements as possible in to make ready for the next two episodes.  Oh yeah, and the merchandising is way far and gone beyond excessive.  I feel dirty for liking this movie...
• Tarzan ( A ) - Absolutely fantastic animation, as expected, but on a new level that combines computer animation with traditional cell-based animation smoother than ever before.  As for storyline, it's surprisingly faithful to the original Tarzan story (I guess Disney learned their lesson after Pocahontas), and the darker elements of the story and the sexual chemistry between Tarzan and Jane are very real and also quite surprising.  It did feel a little short, though they could have made up for it with a wild, animalistic sex scene when the obviously sexually-repressed Jane first lays eyes on the sexually naive, curious, and 98% nekkid buffed up hot-to-trot Tarzan.  That didn't happen though... damn.
• Titan A.E. ( B ) - I love it when movie studios make feature length cartoons and gear them more towards adults than kids.  The result is usually a cool flick like this, with great animation and special effects, and less concern about shocking the kiddies (like when the main character, Cale, gets nekkid and gives us a nice glory shot from the rear).  The locales are fantastic too, especially the planet with the hydrogen trees.  My biggest complaint is a common one to the genre of sci-fi... stuff isn't fully explained, things happen too quick without full exposition, somewhat trite dialogue, a canned, all-too-convenient relationship between the protagonist and the girly love interest, etc.  Disappointing, considering the potential... but still very much appreciated.
• The Thomas Crown Affair ( B ) - An amusing, fun movie that doesn't have all too much substance.  The romance between Pierce Brosnan, a finance-industry multi-millionaire who steals a 100 million dollar painting just for fun, and Rene Russo, an insurance agent for the people that own the painting, is both believable and romantically creative, and the plot development is creative and entertaining.  The ending, however, leaves the audience somewhat confused, especially since we know what's going on the rest of the time.
• True Crime ( B ) - A good, tense crime film about a fallen-angel reporter (Clint Eastwood) who discovers that the man on death row he's interviewing is actually innocent and sets out to prove it before midnight, when his execution is set.  Conflicts stem from his womanizing, especially his affair with his boss (Denis Leary)'s wife, and how it messes up his marriage, as well as his insistance to his other boss, played by James Woods, that the wrongful accusations against the man could make big headlines.  It's not the best movie you'll ever see, but it's good.  And of course I always assert that any movie with James Woods is worth watching.
• Wild Wild West ( B ) - Entertaining, yes, but it requires a lot of suspension of disbelief.  The early-Industrial-age-meets-sci-fi mechanical stuff is really fascinating, especially the 80-foot mechanical spider war machine, and Kenneth Branagh as the evil Dr. Loveless -- complete with a convincing Southern drawl -- is fantastic.  Kevin Kline, the U.S. Marshall slash mechanical genius slash occasional crossdresser is good too, and Will Smith is... well, Will Smith.  His modern pseudo-rapper-style character he's had in every film since Independence Day doesn't quite work in an 1870-era movie, which is only mildly distracting.  The worst part is the role of the hispanic girl, who serves as love interest for both Smith and Kline; Salma Hayek is unconvincing and the role seems mostly unnecessary, like it was a last-minute addition.  Oh yeah, and Will Smith's irritating and horribly repetitive rap theme song will be permanently engrained in your brain, in the fashion of It's a Small World After All.