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October 1999
Pat Robertson
Pat Robertson has become a national icon -- the ultimate symbol of intolerance, stupidity, lies, and hubris. It is this man who is responsible for the existence of, among countless media franchises, the Christian Coalition -- a body of ultra-conservative Republicans, mostly from the South, who share similar fascist beliefs. They may be evil, but they only want to give us all freedom! Freedom to believe anything you want, if you can, after they force their own religion down your and your children's throats in schools, libraries, churches, and courts. Freedom to carry your baby to term - after which you're completely on your own - or, abort it with a coathanger. Freedom to be heterosexual, or to be either subjected to anti-homosexual brainwashing or being ridiculed as a sub-human, ungodly perversion of nature and condemned to burn in Hell. Freedom to teach your kids that anyone different from you must be beneath you, after all, they chose to be black or gay or Hindu. Freedom to believe the human body is shameful and must never be seen by children (even though it was created in God's own image, it's somehow still shameful), and the children must always be sheltered and protected from everything and anything even remotely "shocking." Freedom to believe the Bible is unquestionably God's word and that their own interpretations of it must be correct, and that the Bible and its teachings must infest the nation's laws, Constitution be damned. And most of all, freedom to live your life without being subjected to different ideas or beliefs... after all, diverse, logical thinking and new ideas are the bane of Christianity. Thank you, Mr. Robertson, for making the lives of intolerant, narrow-minded, reactionary redneck Christians everywhere that much easier. You are, without a shadow of a doubt, a bona fide Schmuck!
Of course, along with Pat Robertson, we must also award honorary Schmuck
titles to all the Republican Presidential candidates who showed up at the
Christian Coalition's annual coven... er, conference, in October to kiss
clammy, spotty white Christian ass and make ridiculous statements on their
supposed "beliefs" in God and against personal freedom of choice just to
win a few votes: George W. "Daddy's Name Recognition" Bush, Elizabeth "I
Love Reagan" Dole, Utah Sen. Orrin "Generic Reactionary" Hatch, Steve "I
Can Buy Anything, Even an Election" Forbes, Pat "Hitler's Not So Bad" Buchanan,
Gary "Fetus Freak" Bauer, and Alan "Who?" Keyes. Major kudos go to
Arizona Sen. John McCain, the only Republican with the integrity and personal
conviction to turn down the invitation to appear.