Schmuck of the Month!
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December 1999

Gary Bauer
Gary Bauer


Gary Bauer, Republican Presidential candidate that no one seems to know or care much about, is one of those token extremists who runs his campaign on one issue: the Abortion issue.  Mr. Bauer claims that America will never be a truly great nation until abortion is completely outlawed.  Never mind little things like foreign policy, drugs, education, the budget, PACs, Medicare, Social Security, gun control, defense spending, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.  Those all come second to outlawing abortion, at least in Mr. Bauer's puny, sick little mind.  I'd like to hear him talk about what he plans to do with all those babies carried to term that are addicted to crack, badly deformed, conceived through rape, or otherwise unwanted.  Think he cares what happens to 'em once they're out of the womb?  FUCK no!  I challenge anyone on earth to give me evidence otherwise; at that I would stand corrected (and utterly amazed) and would also probably buy a Powerball ticket and set up my world-band radio to receive transmissions from aliens in the Andromeda galaxy, since totally improbable things tend to happen in threes.  Wasting any more time typing about Mr. Bauer would be useless, since he has about as much chance as winning the Republican Primary, not to mention the general election in November 2000, as Callista Flockheart has of appearing on the cover of Gent Magazine; he does, however, exemplify the very meaning of the word "Schmuck" amazingly well, so congratulations, Mr. Bauer, on winning this month's Schmuck of the Month, which will probably (and very hopefully) be your last victory in the foreseeable future!
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Go laugh at Gary Bauer's Family Research Council page!
Go laugh even harder at Bauer's Official Campaign 2000 page!

Past Winners of Schmuck of the Month!
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June 1999
Jerry Falwell
July 1999
Fred Phelps
August 1999
Jesse Helms
September 1999
Ken Starr
October 1999
Pat Robertson
November 1999
Donald Trump
December 1999
Gary Bauer